Anxiety with a whole lot of Positivity
Ok guys, here we are. The big one... the one that's been highly requested, because let's face it, it's sad how common it is to have anxiety, depression, or just have an overall negative view on life. No one is immune to self-doubt, failure, life tragedies, and life-changing events. I for one am a very blessed individual, however, I have put myself through things and been through life events that have permanently scarred my heart and soul, and nothing is going to change that. However, I can change how I view things and I can choose positivity over the negativity.
So I never really realized it until more recently, but I think I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, just in differing amounts. As a young child I used to sleep SO DEEPLY that one night I fell off my top bunk and didn't even wake up, but my dad, who slept down the hallway, woke up and put me right back up top without as much as a flinch from me. I remember asking him repeatedly that if the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night and I didn't wake up, would he come and save me? And of course his answer was always yes, but I was still worried.
I have suffered from terrible dreams since I was a child. I have been afraid of whales since I was very young because, yes you guessed it, my dreams of getting eaten by whales. Yes, you now have a glimpse into my true craziness, but stay with me! I have been terrified of earthquakes since I experienced one in grade 6, so after that, I wouldn't visit Vancouver Island (also you have to take a ferry to get there and whales... duh) and wouldn't go into movie theatres. Again, why those few scenarios stood out to me over all the others, I have no clue. But it got to the point where it was really starting to affect my life and my experiences.
My fears and anxieties just kept growing, and the moments of panic were rapidly growing worse day by day.
My grandmother lived with my family for as far back as I can remember and battled through three different types of cancer for over ten years. I will never forget the day she passed, I was pregnant with Jackson talking with my dad upstairs and we heard my mom screaming for us from downstairs. That day was traumatic and changed all three of us deeply. About a year later, my aunt had an extremely fast moving cancer and passed just shortly after. The day of her funeral was my very first full-blown panic attack.
As time went by they became a lot more frequent so I spoke with my doctor and went on a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication to try and get me more stable so the panic attacks would happen less often. I was on this for quite some time, including during my pregnancy with Maddox (my doctor assured me it was completely safe) but quit cold turkey right after I gave birth. I felt like I had overcome a lot, hadn't experienced anxiety for quite some time, and was honestly off of it for about a year and didn't have a problem! I don't love being on medication, so I was eager to try again without it.
After a period of relative calm in my life, once again, events transpired that would change me. With some major issues in our family, culminating with the loss of my sister-in-law, I spiraled once again.
To sum it up, I still experience anxiety, it is just not my every day, every month or every year. I am now trying new ways to deal with it, one is using essential oils to help me sleep which is WORKING!!! I'll be writing another blog post on that so stay tuned.
So I'm just going to put out a disclaimer - I am not ALWAYS positive! And anyone who says that they are, go jump in a lake, ok? It is impossible to always be positive. However, I tend to think of myself as more of a positive person, and many around me agree. I have spent so many years (yeah I'm getting old, ok?) going through things in my life and it hasn't been easy. I haven't always made it easy on myself, but I think the more you go through hardships in life, the more you appreciate the good things you have. Sure, I go through some days where I am discontent and want bigger and better, but the majority of the time, other people can have it.
I think with social media, comparing is just a given. You compare your account following to others, what your home looks like, what you think they're doing today but they actually did three weeks ago, trips people take, things they have. We all do it. Sure, I'd love a few extra things in my wardrobe, lose 10 pounds and be making killer money. Don't we all? But the real question is, what am I doing to get there? Sitting on my phone and wishing my life away? Get off your phone, tell yourself 10 things you're thankful for and go play outside with your kids!! Maybe you should be clicking out of this blog to go do just that - please do. But any time you feel like you want to be where someone else is, maybe you don't know what it took to get there or maybe you are not willing to actually DO what it takes to get there.
I think what the world needs is a change in mindset and a change in attitude. And no matter what load of crap you've gone through in your life or are going through now, you can still have an amazing outlook and a thankful and appreciative attitude by CHOICE. I suffered from major depression after having Maddox, and as much as I had to go through that, I look back to what made me so sad and upset and all I see now are the easy changes I could have made in my life to solve all those problems. But you get in this mindset of negativity and self-pity, so much that you cant see a light out. Now anytime I feel upset about something, I look back to what I went through and make myself think of 1) What changes I can make to solve this issue and 2) How do I put those into action!
Sorry guys - this is turning into a little rant from me, but my final note is to just stop taking life so seriously! Life is just too short to be negative and judgemental. And in my experience, people will read this and say "oh absolutely, I am none of those things" and yet STILL ARE. Look at your life, and be happy with it. So you don't have your dream home... work towards it, and embrace the one you have now! You don't have the following you want on Instagram? Maybe care a little less about an app and don't let it affect your attitude or your day. You have to choose to see the good in any situation. This doesn't come easy, it takes practice and it's definitely been a challenge for me. The only person who can change your life is you. YOU have to choose to make your life a good one, not your spouse, not your mom, not your job, not your Instagram following, and not your dream home. Choose to live a happy life, no matter the circumstance.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope you are encouraged. Xoxo.